Humorous Holidays to Astound & Frustrate Your Players

William T. Thrasher

When Skirmisher Publishing unleashed Nuisances on the world it introduced a pantheon of deities humorously similar but legally distinct from certain gods and goddesses from the early days of tabletop gaming. Inspired by these gods, and the celebratory turn of the season, presented below are the most sacred holidays of the twelve divinities of the Nuisances pantheon.

Ranklemas - Most sacred day for the followers of Hektor, Ranklemas is the day when followers of The Incensed give what they consider the greatest gift of all; the brutal, bitter, and unremitting Truth. Followers seek out an individual who gets their dander up, or who symbolizes the type of person that gets their dander up, and tells that person exactly what they think of him. It is hoped this will drive the target of their invectives to violence. The resulting "wounds of Hektor" are worn as badges of honor by followers of the Incensed One.

Light of Our Father Who is Stiff as Bord - Celebrated by followers of Bord, this observance is carried out shortly after the death of the Patriarchimandrite of the Cult of Bord. In a series of trials often mistaken for a sportsman's tournament, priests and clerics of Bord compete to determine who shall become the new head of the cult. Trials include The Tossing of The Caber (Bord's favored weapon) and competitive displays of Bord's sacred meditative art of Planking.

Smothersday - A holiday feared the realm over, this is the day followers of Hewjass emerge from their temples and make sacrifices to the Bitch Goddess. Offerings of food are sat upon and reduced to pulp before being smeared over her idols. For more grim are the human sacrifices, who suffocate beneath the cheeks of the faithful. Rare and willing sacrifices from the monastic order of the Brothers of Smothers, greet such an end with anticipation and die in a moment of religious ecstasy. 

Day of The First Step - Used by followers of Fairlane to mark the start of the new year, this holiday begins with a prayer to Fairlane, followed by the naming of a place the follower has never visited. The devout then prepares a sacred fetish bag from a square of cloth. The bag is filled with sacrifices which please Fairlane, such as travel-ready food and small bottles of alcohol. Once the fetish bag is complete and consecrated to Fairlane, it is considered vulgar to allow it to be touched by mortal hands. As a result, the followers of Fairlane typically attach the fetish bag to the end of a sturdy stick. At the coming of the dawn, the devout take a number of symbolic steps in the direction of the location declared at the beginning of the celebration. Many cultists take a step for every year they have lived, or a step for every year they have devoted their lives to Fairlane. Still others take just the first step, reasoning that it's the thought that counts and Fairlane appreciates the effort. Truly devout followers make a point to visit the nominated location at least once before the end of the year. Those who do leave the fetish bag at the end of the long road in the hope that Fairlane will saunter down the path and accept it personally.

The Feast of Condescension - Celebrated by followers of Haughtiness, this feast day consists of little feasting on behalf of the followers of the god of Self-righteousness. Instead, followers of Haughtiness pour out into the streets, handing out slices of a sacred but tasteless Humble Pie, and admonishing the populace for all the sins they have committed, which the cultists clearly have not, and all the virtues they could exemplify if they would only just grow up and follow of worthwhile god, "Like we did, and look how well it's worked for us?" This day also marks the anniversary of the many holy wars which began curring past Feasts of Condescension.

Gray Monday - Celebrated by followers of Kornkob, this festival is little-known outside of the Indifferent One's cult. This holiday marks the day Kornkob returned from the realm of Anywhere after attaining true indifference. Cultists commemorate this event by engaging in orgies of sex, blood, food, and excess of all types. Calves, goats, and virgins are slain, their blood mingling in the streets which become a red mandala to the utter complacency of Kornkob. Kings are slain and villages are burned as Kornkob's mad celebrants run rampant over the world, laying waste to the works of gods and men in their revelatory excess. Or not. They can go either way.

Stanksgiving - Those rare few who worship Necrull the Decayer commemorate the end of winter with a month-long festival of thanks and putrescence known as Stanksgiving. On the first day of Stanksgiving a high priests creates a circle of consecrated filth traditionally referred to as Necrull's Cornucopia. Over the course of the month, the circle is pilled high with old food, particularly grains, dried fruit, pickles, and preserves that did not keep over the long winter. Other appropriate offerings include moth-eaten clothing, old socks, rotted wood and thatch, and knackered livestock that did not survive the winter. Towards the end of the month, even unspoiled food may be added, either in anticipation of the coming bounty of spring or to placate Necrull with food to spoil so he does not turn his attention to the remaining food stocks. By month's end, the Cornucopia is a stinking, steaming, mound of rotting filth with an odor scented from miles around. At the festival's close, the priests of Necrull send the offering of waste up to their god in flames. Due the composition of the Cornucopia, the bonfire typically burns several different colors and billows a great cloud of green-tinged smoke into the air. Once the smoke and stench have cleared, Stanksgiving comes to a close. Those outside the priesthood of Necrull mark this day with a holiday of their own, celebrating the end of the month-long stink of Stanksgiving.

Holi-Rol-Yur-Oun - Ok, this is . . . check it out. We're venerating O-man-im-hi and . . . wait . . . did you guys get it? I mean, our god's name is like (throaty giggling) ok, ok, ok! I'm totally serious right now! What we got to do is, right, get a whole bunch of colored stuff . . . I'm hungry . . . colored food, and we like, throw it around it is looks awesome, but then you eat all the crazy colored food because you're totally hungry. Man, I'm hungry. Can one of you guys drive me to the White Temple?
 
Saint Filatrix's Day - This holiday marks the anniversary of the raising of the first temple to Peckor the Well-Shined by the prophet and saint Filatrix. To show their veneration to Peckor and his temples, followers gather to polish the knob of the temple doors before entering to attend services.
 
Groundheel Day - Theologians currently debate if this holiday is meant to venerate of desecrate Vespa the Masochistic. On this day, clerics remove idols of Vespa from their temples and place them in the town square where the idols are publicly beaten, jabbed, spanked, dribbled with hot wax, and subjected to other physical humiliations. Passer's buy are also encouraged to participate, and are often handed simple ritual flails with which to castigate the idol. The holiday concludes with the clerics donning sacramental ballet boots with 7 inch heels and grinding the idol beneath their feet.
 
Yolanda-thon - Celebrated by Pygmies throughout the Prime Material plane, Yolonda-thon is the day the faithful show their devotion to their goddess by making offerings of gold, precious stones, and other riches. Within each community, a strapping young Pygmy is chosen and anointed to deliver the offerings to Yolanda. Throughout the day, priests entreat their congregations make offerings of gold and gems, which the anointed one is expected to consume. When the anointed one's belly is full to bursting with gold and jewels, the priests of Yolanda sacrifice him in a bonfire. It is told that the spirit of the sacrifice carry the offerings to Yolanda. When the goddess is in need of the offered riches, she is said to shatter the Pygmy Bank with a golden hammer. 

Lubesday - The holiday of Lubesday marks the day the great god Oilydimmara came down from the celestial abode of the divine and gifted mankind with lubrication, which up until that point had been a secret possessed by the gods alone. Celebrants anoint their bodies with scented oils and recreate Oilydimmara's descent from the celestial plane by running and sliding down lengthy slippery shrouds. Those who's well-oiled bodies slide all the way down the shroud and through the surprisingly small hoop at the end are said to be favored by Oilydimmara and blessed with smooth, supple skin and protection from inconvenient friction . . . if you know what I mean.

The Moderate Feast of Saint Bertcuth the Agnostic - A holiday celebrating moderation in all things, this Feast Day is marked by eating a meal slightly nicer than one would normally partake in, prayers offered up to no deity in particular, and and scrabbling to make offerings to any gods the celebrant hasn't made offerings to in the previous year. The day marks the martyrdom/ascension/suicide (there is much debate among scholars as to Bertcuth's eventual fate) of the Patron Saint of Agnostics, who preached moderate worship of all gods, including ones that don't exist just in case they do, so that at the time of one's death some higher power will your soul into a decent afterlife.